Beautiful Disaster
by psychotic7796
Summary: Watari's Sex-Change Potion has finally worked, though not everyone is happy about it. Tsuzuki is accidentally given a dose of it, and he looks exactly like his deceased sister. What happens when Tsuzuki finally has to confront his past?
1. Chapter 1

A/N- Hey there, all. This is my first Yami No Matsuei/Descendants of Darkness fanfic. It's not going to hold as much humor or happiness as my normal stories that aren't one shots. I'm thinking this will have maybe three or four chapters, and the chapters will be short, but I'm not sure yet (other then the fact the chapters will most likely be REALLY short). This is what I think would happen if Watari's sex-change potion ended up working. There aren't enough fanfics that have Tsuzuki's past in it, and I wanted to do one where it explains his entire past, why he's guilty, why he became a shinigami, and all of that. Hope it's not too OOC, I've tried to keep them as in-character as I could, other then Tsuzuki when he has a breakdown. Enjoy! (Hopefully!)

Info/Warnings- Slight slash, mentions of self-mutilation and child abuse, Angsty!Tsuzuki, ColdbutCaring!Hisoka, Confused!Tatsumi, and SlightlyDense!Watari.

Pairings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka

Chapter 1- "Hey Watari!" Tsuzuki said brightly as he walked into his lab. "What'cha working on?" He questioned, looking over his friend's shoulder.

"The usual," Watari answered, a dry note to his voice. "And, as usual, it isn't working." He sighed, slumping back in his seat. "I don't know what else to do! I'm running out of ideas for my Instant Sex-Change potion! I'm starting to think I should just give up." Watari slumped forward in defeat.

"'Tari! You can't give up!" Tsuzuki cried. "You've worked so hard, and it looks like you're getting closer! On the last potions it made your lips fuller, that has to count for something, doesn't it? Girls have fuller lips usually!"

Watari sighed, once again looking defeated. "But that's not enough, Tsuzuki. I'm no where close enough to getting this right..."

"Now that is not Watari Yutaka talking," Tsuzuki scolded, grabbing him and pulling him up to his feet. "The Watari I know would be telling me that he was going to make his potion, and he was going to succeed, because the Watari I know doesn't give up! He keeps trying and trying until he gets it!"

"You're right!" Watari said loudly, standing up proudly and excitedly. "I just need to look at this a different way! I will figure this out, and I will make my Instant Sex-Change Potion before you know it!"

"That's the spirit!" Tsuzuki encouraged with a smile. "I have to go, I have paperwork." He made a face as he said this, but Watari didn't hear because he was already back to his chalkboard and writing complicated scientific equations that Tsuzuki didn't understand.

Tsuzuki laughed slightly and walked away, glad that he had been able to lift the scientist's spirits.

He went back to his office and he frowned when he saw all of the paperwork. Was it just him, or did they have more paperwork then actual cases they went on?

"Hey Hisoka!" Tsuzuki said brightly as he sat down across from him, looking at what he was working on. "What'cha doin'?"

"Paperwork." Hisoka answered shortly. Tsuzuki didn't let his short answer faze him.

"About what?"

"The case we had last week." Another short answer.

Tsuzuki sighed but, knowing that Hisoka was not in a social mood, turned away and started doing his own paperwork. He could almost feel Hisoka's surprised and suspicious gaze on him. Usually Tsuzuki would complain over the paperwork every second he could, or he would try to tease Hisoka for hours on end at work, even when he was working.

Tsuzuki though, that day, was filling out everything and Hisoka could feel a faint trace of nervousness on him, as if he were afraid of what would happen if he tried to annoy him. Odd.

"You're acting weird." Hisoka stated when the day was almost over. Tsuzuki looked up and blinked owlishly.

"Eh?"

"You're doing paperwork that wasn't assigned to you, you did half of MY work, and you did all of YOUR work. On a daily basis, you don't even do HALF of yours. What's going on?" Hisoka asked Tsuzuki peevishly.

Tsuzuki shrugged and smiled. "Are you mad I did some of your work, Hisoka? I thought you would be grateful I was doing what I was supposed to be doing." There was a slight emotion of sadness around him though that Hisoka felt and his eyes narrowed.

"Then why are you feeling sad?" he asked in annoyance.

Tsuzuki's smile didn't even falter. "The same reasons as always, Hisoka. I'm heading home, don't stay too late." he stood up and grabbed his jacket. He threw it on and walked out, but not before ruffling Hisoka's hair playfully. "See you tomorrow, Hisoka!"

Hisoka glared at him in slight annoyance as his partner walked away, knowing he wasn't answering completely truthfully. What was wrong with him? He questioned into everyone's lives, yet refused to let other people get close to him. Hisoka hated that about Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki yawned as he sat down at his desk, plopping into his seat and head falling on the desk.

"Are you okay, Tsuzuki?" Watari asked since he just happened to be walking by at that time.

Tsuzuki jumped up and yelled, "I'm fine! And awake! I didn't fall asleep!" almost immediately after he said that, though, his eyes began to shut closed.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" Watari asked Tsuzuki carefully.

"Some... No..." Tsuzuki muttered, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

Watari walked away for a second before appearing back with a mug filled with coffee.

"Here, Tsuzuki. Have some coffee, you could use it." Watari handed him the mug. Tsuzuki held it groggily and gulped it down.

"Thanks, Watari." Tsuzuki thanked him, waking up slightly. He winced, holding his stomach as Watari walked away, glad he had been able to help. He started on his paperwork, but his stomach was cramping painfully, until he felt like he was going to be sick. Just as Hisoka walked in, Tsuzuki sprinted out to the bathroom, clutching his stomach with a grimace on his face. Hisoka watched him with surprise and a little worry.

Tsuzuki shut the door of the bathroom behind him before barely making it to the toilet in time to throw up into it, the little bit of coffee he had had coming back up and burning his throat. He dry-heaved a few times before he stood up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He felt dizzy, and he felt an odd burning in his stomach. He gripped the sink with a tight grip before falling to his knees, blacking out for a few seconds.

When he came to, he was relieved it had only been for a few minutes. He sighed, but his eyes widened abruptly. That wasn't his voice. He carefully stood up and was surprised that his clothes were fitting a lot looser then they had a few minutes ago. His hair was longer too, almost to his waist. What the...?

He looked down at himself before hesitantly looking in the mirror.

A loud scream pierced the air, causing the few shinigami already in to run to the bathroom where it had come from.

Tatsumi opened the door and stumbled in slight shock.

There, standing in front of the mirror, was a girl-version of Tsuzuki.

The clothes she was wearing were big and baggy on her, the tie on the ground and the shirt open enough for you to see just a little bit of her chest. She had shrunk, being just above five foot and being stick-thin, unhealthily so. Her eyes were the same, but slanted a little bit more, while her nose was more petite and her lips fuller. Her hair was lengthened, hitting her waist, and her hands were thinner, though one was covering her mouth as tears welled up in her eyes, staring at the mirror.

"Oh no..." Watari face-palmed. "I gave him coffee a little while ago. I had some of the potion I was making on my hands and it must have gotten into the coffee." His eyes brightened. "But this means it works! And I will start on an antidote right now, Tsuzuki, I promise! I can't believe it worked!" He was grinning madly as he ran out of the bathroom.

Terazuma was snickering as he walked out, though he stopped when he saw Hisoka's glare.

Hisoka could feel the panic and grief coming off of his partner, so he turned questioning eyes to her and Tatsumi.

"What's wrong, Tsuzuki?" Tatsumi asked carefully. "Watari will make the antidote, so don't worry about that."

Tsuzuki was shaking as she pointed at the mirror with a trembling hand.

"I-I look like L-luka..." she whispered, tears falling and a horrified look on her face as she covered her mouth.

"Luka?" Tatsumi and Hisoka both blinked in shock as Tsuzuki nodded shakily before turning away from the mirror and running out of the room, shoulders shaking with suppressed sobs. "Tsuzuki!" Hisoka called out as he ran after her. He quickly caught up because Tsuzuki's new body was stiff and her legs weren't as long as they were when she had been a man. He grabbed her arm and stopped her. "Tsuzuki, what's wrong with looking like your sister?" He asked her.

Hisoka was surprised when Tsuzuki began babbling in French, the tears falling even faster as he seemed to be pleading with him about something. What few things Hisoka could make out with his limited information on the language were: "I didn't mean to,", "I loved her, she was my sister, I didn't mean to!", "I didn't mean to make her hate me, I didn't mean for her and all of them to hate me, I'm sorry!".

"Tsuzuki, I don't speak French." Hisoka said through gritted teeth, putting his shields up as high as he could. The amount of grief, sadness, regret, and most of all, guilt, were overwhelming.

Tsuzuki didn't hear, still babbling and crying in the other language that was one of few Hisoka didn't know.

"What are you trying to say?" Hisoka muttered as Tsuzuki started to sway on her feet. He could feel her panic rising and he could tell it was only a matter of seconds before she fainted.

"Je suis démoniaque... Je suis désolé..." Tsuzuki whimpered.

Hisoka had no idea what he was supposed to do in this position, but when Tsuzuki finally collapsed, eyes rolling back into her head, he was barely able to catch her, though since she was smaller then male-Tsuzuki he wasn't crushed under her weight. She was actually just slightly smaller then him, which surprised Hisoka.

"What the...?" He muttered as he picked her up, roles switched for once.

Tatsumi walked up to them, looking confused also.

"I'll... Take hi-her, home." Hisoka suggested hesitantly.

"Yes, you do that Kurosaki." Tatsumi said, a slight shake to his voice. "I'm going to go find someone who speaks French."

Hisoka nodded awkwardly before teleporting away to where he knew Tsuzuki's apartment was.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N- Hey, me again. Just wanted to write a quick note here. First off, Tsuzuki and Hisoka most definitely will be OOC in this chapter, and I apologize for this, but this is the only way I can see it. Hisoka will probably seem like a completely different character, but it will be explained later in the story, I swear! Second, I just wanted to warn you that I will probably, in future chapters, be changing a lot about what is known about Tsuzuki, (I.E., making him know French and other things like that). I may or may not, it just depends on what I'm writing. I'm not sure yet, so I just thought I'd let you know. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

Disclaimer: I don't own Descendants of Darkness/Yami no Matsuei, no matter how much I wish I did. If I did, Hisoka and Tsuzuki would have been making out by volume three. *Grin* 

Chapter 2- _It was so dark as the memories flashed by. He was trapped again, just like when he had been possessed by the demon, Sagatanasu. He tried to run, he closed his eyes before he frantically tried to scratch his eyes out, anything to stop the memories, anything to stop the guilt. But he was frozen in place, reduced to thrashing about. The brown eyes of his family members that they all shared, the butterscotch-like color, so different from his own eyes.  
_

"_I'm sorry!" He cried out, tears falling out of the eyes they hated.  
_

_Luka stood in front of him, looking so similar to him, but at the same time so different.  
_

"_Please Luka! Please! I'm sorry!" He sobbed.  
_

_Luka looked at him, but flinched when their eyes met.  
_

"_I'm sorry too, my poor demon of a brother." She whispered to him, before turning away and walking away.  
_

"_Luka! Please, Luka! Don't go! I'm sorry!" He sobbed pathetically, being held back by thick, silver chains. _

"_Why should she stay?" A familiar voice said nastily. He turned and his breath caught in his throat as he saw the familiar faces of his father and mother, looking down at him with stuck-up noses. "She deserves better then you as a brother. How disgusting you are. A demon." His father said nastily, black hair flying around in the breeze as two pairs of butterscotch brown eyes stared down at him. "Nothing more then a mistake. We didn't need a son. We didn't want a son. And it's because of you we're dead. It's all your fault."_

"_How disgusting. You sit there, wishing for forgiveness. Do you honestly believe our darling daughter would ever forgive you for your sins? Do you honestly believe you DESERVE forgiveness, when you are nothing but a descendant of darkness? How pitiful." His mother sneered, blond hair flying around. _

"_I'm sorry! Mother, Father, I didn't mean to!" He cried out, thrashing against the chains that represented his sins. "Please!" _

_Luka reappeared, shying away from him.  
_

"_Father, get him away from me!" Luka screamed. "Get the demon away!" _

_Father held out a knife and threateningly began walking towards him.  
_

"_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! Please Luka, make him stop!" He cried. Luka wouldn't meet his eyes. "Please Luka, please!" No response. "Look at me, please! Make him stop! Don't let him kill me, please Luka! Look at me!" Silence, the glint of a knife appearing in his vision. "PLEASE!"  
_

"PLEASE!" Tsuzuki screamed as she woke up, sobbing violently. She sobbed, curling in on herself as tears ran down her face. She slowly calmed down, sniffling and wiping her eyes and nose on the long sleeve. She looked around and was confused, wasn't she at work? What happened? She looked around her large bed and room before looking at the table next to her, seeing a note.

She picked it up and opened it with hesitant hands.

"Tsuzuki,

"You fainted at work after having a nervous breakdown. In French. Call me when you wake up. I want to talk to you.

"-Hisoka."

Tsuzuki set it down before leaning back, remembering why she had freaked out. She hesitantly stood up, padding over to where the bathroom was. She could tell it hadn't been a dream, she really had been turned into a girl. She could see her pants were way too big, along with her shirt and jacket, though miraculously all had stayed on even as she thrashed around in her sleep. She could also see her hair touching her waist, and she had to admit, she liked it long. It felt nice. Luka had never had her hair long, she always cut it short, just above her shoulders. Longer then when Tsuzuki had been a male, but much shorter then his hair as a female. But she could get used to it being this long, she liked it. She walked into the bathroom after a moment of hesitation and looked in the mirror.

Yep. S/he looked like Luka, but with long hair and purple eyes. The purple eyes Luka had hated so much. The eyes she had flinched away from, the eyes she had tried to gouge out in a haze of madness. The eyes of a demon.

Tsuzuki closed her eyes tightly, fists clenching. Luka was pure. She wasn't a demon. His eyes had no right to be on her face. His physical representation of the sin he was had no right being on her pure, innocent face.

"Why?" She whispered, tears falling as her knees buckled slightly, leaning her head and fists against the mirror. "Why can't I be normal?" With a scream she punched the mirror, shattering it. "Why did I have to be the one born of sin? Why am I the demon?" She screamed, tears falling from her eyes as blood spurted from the various cuts on her hands and neck, the mirror shards slicing her skin. "Why was SHE the one who got to be normal? Why was SHE the one allowed to move into the afterlife? Why was SHE punished when she did nothing wrong? WHY?" She punched where the mirror was again, shattering what little was left. "Why can't I die? Why can't I be given the punishment I deserve?" She screamed, tears still making their way down her face. "Why am I rewarding for being a demon? Why am I allowed to keep living while they're all dead? Why? God damn it answer me!" She looked at herself in the shattered mirror, seeing the contorted image. "ANSWER ME!" She screamed, breathing heavily as she clawed at the mirror, blood pouring from her self-inflicted wounds until she gave up, sobs wracking her body as she fell to her knees, glass shards sticking out of her arms and legs and red blood pouring around her. "Answer me..." She whispered as she sobbed, curling up into a ball on the bathroom floor. She curled up and sobbed. "Why am I such a disaster? Why am I such a screwed-up mess? Why am I a disaster? Why can't I hold it together? I can't stand being so messed up, I hate it, why me, why me?..."

Hisoka glared angrily at the phone, as if it were the phone's fault he wasn't getting a phone call from his emotional partner. He had wanted to stay by Tsuzuki's side in case he-she, he corrected himself again, woke up and had another breakdown. He really didn't want the shinigami to try and summon Touda. S/he had promised not to after Kyoto, unless it WASN'T for a suicide wish, but Hisoka had never trusted Tsuzuki's word after hearing so many well-meaning lies from him. But he had to go back to work, someone had to get paperwork done. He scowled. Tatsumi really could be cold-hearted when he was confused. He could feel the waves of it rolling off of him from his empathy, and he knew that Tatsumi only wanted him there because he WAS confused.

He finally stood up and, after telling Tatsumi he was checking on Tsuzuki, teleported out to where he knew Tsuzuki lived.

He knocked on the door, quietly at first, until he finally grew impatient and banged on the door.

"Tsuzuki. Open up." He called out. He listened as there was a rustle of movement, before the door was thrown open. There stood Tsuzuki, still wearing the large suit as she looked up at him.

She was just barely over five foot, while Hisoka himself was at least five foot eight, something he prided himself on since he was just barely taller then Saya and Yuma.

"Hey Hisoka!" She chirped brightly. "Does Tatsumi want me back at the office? Just give me a minute to find something smaller, I just woke up a few minutes ago."

"Tsuzuki, do you honestly think I'm going-?"

"I'll be back out in a minute, Hisoka! Make yourself at home!" She cried out as she ran back inside. "I wonder if I still have those clothes Saya and Yuma left here awhile ago," Hisoka heard her ponder as she ran off.

Hisoka stared at her in disbelief. Her emotions were completely contradictory to her demeanor. Where she exuded cheerfulness and casual contentedness, there was a quiet despair and guilt surrounding her emotions. He stepped in though, and was surprised when he felt even more despair, guilt, regret, depression, and other emotions surrounding the entire home, mostly centering around the bathroom.

"Hey Tsuzuki, you don't mind if I use your bathroom do you?" Hisoka questioned casually as he was already walking towards it. He opened the door as she answered.

"Huh? No, not-" She froze. "Hold up a second, Hisoka-!" She cried out, sprinting out of the room, but it was too late.

Hisoka's eyes widened and he stifled a gasp as he looked in.

The bathroom was completely destroyed. The mirror was shattered, the sink a mess of porcelain and the bathtub had chunks broken off of it. What horrified him completely, though, was the blood, splattered on all of the walls and ground. Puddles of it were all around, way too much for it to be one person's. Unless, Hisoka thought in growing horror, Tsuzuki allowed herself to heal, before continuing. Unless she allowed herself to bleed until the wounds healed with her super-fast healing, passing out from the blood loss, possibly, or being on the brink of death, before she was brought back from the edge and continued trying, blood pouring.

He could see the broken mirror, the broken sink, broken tub, but the only thing he was able to comprehend was the knife, lying innocently by his feet with blood covering it, still wet.

Tsuzuki had a hand covering her mouth as she looked away, shame and embarrassment covering over her. No regret for that, though, Hisoka noted as he bent over and picked up the knife slowly. It laid in his palm, glinting in the light and the blood finding it's way onto Hisoka's hands.

"I-I..." Tsuzuki couldn't find her voice, and Hisoka didn't expect her to as he looked around.

"Go sit down." Hisoka told her softly, not looking at her.

"Hisoka-"

"Now, Asato." Hisoka said firmly. She, unsure of what to do, walked off hesitantly, sitting down on the couch in her living room before biting on her lip and tears pooling in her eyes as she pulled her knees up to her chest and leaning her forehead on them.

Hisoka pocketed the knife before walking into Tsuzuki's bedroom. He pulled the large comforter and Tsuzuki's pillow ("Is that a bloodstain?" he thought, looking at the pillow with sad green eyes), bringing them over to where Tsuzuki was sitting. He gently guided her until she was lying down, when he then set the pillow underneath her head and covered her with the comforter.

"Hisoka-" She tried again, unsuccessfully stifling a sob, only to be cut off as Hisoka gently shushed her.

"Shh..." He covered her mouth with his hand before standing up and walking away. He walked into the kitchen, pulled out a sponge, bucket, broom, and dust pan, along with various other cleaning supplies, before he went into the bathroom. He cleaned up the entire bathroom, picking up every shard of the mirror and placing it in a pile, before scrubbing away at the blood, some of it still wet. And soon he has taken off his jacket and sweater, leaving himself in a black tank top, thin arms scrubbing at the walls and floor. Before long the bathroom is clean, and Hisoka picked up the pile of mirror shards, placing it in a plastic bag, along with the knife.

Hisoka stood up and walked back into the living room, sitting down on the seat across from the couch.

Tsuzuki was watching him with anxious eyes. Hisoka didn't say anything.

And after awhile of waiting, he was gifted with a short, hysterical laugh.

"Just get it over with, Hisoka. Yell at me at how stupid I am. Tell me how much of a mess I am. Tell me how I'm nothing more then a freak."

"Why?" Hisoka asked her in a neutral tone. "Why do you think I'm going to yell?"

"Because it's what everyone does," Tsuzuki answered with dull eyes. Hisoka was slightly surprised that, even though his partner had been changed into a girl, the voice wasn't too different, just slightly higher-pitched. "When Tatsumi caught me after one of my breakdowns, he yelled. When Konoe caught me, he yelled. Hell, when Watari caught me, he yelled. It's the same thing. I'm fine, a grown man." A pause. "Woman, at the moment, but old enough to take care of myself. I'll stop, I promise. It won't happen again, it was just a bad day."

"You honestly think I'm stupid enough to buy that?" Hisoka asked him, raising an eyebrow as he leaned back in his seat. "You might be able to convince Watari, you might be able to convince Konoe, and you might be able to convince Tatsumi with your fake smiles and lies. But not even you can fake emotions. My empathy is stronger then everyone thinks it is. Tatsumi thinks his shields are enough to keep me from feeling his daily confusion or frustration. Konoe thinks his are too. You think your own are. Let me tell you this. They're not, nor will they ever be." He enunciated slowly. "So I want to know what possessed you to completely destroy your bathroom and to bleed as much as you did."

"Why?" Tsuzuki snarled, tears falling once more. "Why does it matter to you? I'm just a burden you have to deal with. I'm just Tsuzuki, the lazy-ass of a shinigami who can't do anything worth a damn. Hell, I do some extra paperwork and it's a sign of the fucking apocalypse. What does it matter if I destroy my bathroom? What does it matter if I bleed?"

"It matters, because I am your partner, damn it." Hisoka told her flatly. "And someone has to care about you when you won't care for yourself."

"You don't care."

"Who says?"

"I do."

"Why?"

"Because I don't matter. Because I'm nothing more then a disaster. A freak. Demon. Burden."

"Who told you that?"

"Everyone."

"Everyone who?"

"Why does it matter?" Tsuzuki asked in exasperation, tears leaking from her eyes. "Do you want a list?"

"Sure."

Tsuzuki glared at him, while Hisoka watched him calmly.

"Why?"

"So I can throttle them for telling you those lies," Hisoka answered, still calm. "You are not a freak, a demon, a burden, or a mess. You are just having some problems. Now, who told you that?"

"I already told you! Everyone! Everyone, at some point or another, has called me one of those things! To Tatsumi I was a burden, to Watari I'm nothing more then mess that needs to be fixed with some sort of medicine. To Luka, I was a demon. To my parents, a freak of nature that needed to be put down! And you-"

"To me, you are a kind idiot that needs to think better of yourself." Hisoka interrupted harshly.

"And you're wrong." Tsuzuki laughed through her sobs. "You're so, completely, utterly wrong. Because they're right. They always have been and always will be. Because I am nothing more then an idiot who still doesn't know up from down and is a disaster. I am a disaster."

"Why do you think so little of yourself?" Hisoka growled. "You have saved my life countless times, and you've saved other people's lives-"

"Yet, more often then I save lives, I take them away. Their blood is splattered on my hands, Hisoka. I can feel it there, I can see it, and I can't wash it away."

"You can." Hisoka snapped. "You just won't let yourself."

"No." Tsuzuki agreed quietly. "I won't. I deserve to bear this for the rest of eternity."

"Why? Why do you, out of all of the rest of the shinigami, deserve this?" Hisoka asked him in determination. "We've all taken lives, and we've all killed people. What makes you so special that you don't deserve redemption?"

"Because I killed them before I was a shinigami!" Tsuzuki shouted, tears falling again. "Because I killed those people before I died! I killed Luka, and Mother, and Father, and the entire Tsuzuki family before I died! I killed them in cold blood! I remember their cries and pleas for me to stop, yet I couldn't! I killed them... So damn it I deserve punishment!"

"You're punishing yourself enough for not forgiving yourself!" Hisoka shouted back.

"I don't deserve to be forgiven-!"

"You're so stupid." Hisoka growled. "Do you honestly believe that load of crap you've been fed? You've saved enough lives and souls to redeem yourself, idiot."

"That doesn't give them their lives back." Tsuzuki whispered, wrapping the comforter tighter around herself. "That doesn't bring Luka back to life."

"What happened?" Hisoka asked Tsuzuki in a neutral tone. "What actually happened? How did Luka and your family die? What did you do that was so terrible that you can't be forgiven?"

Tsuzuki shook her head frantically, eyes widening. "No no no, not happening, Hisoka. You'll hate me. I can deal with you being mad, but I can't have you hate me, I wouldn't be able to handle that." She babbled, shaking her head still as she backed herself as far into the couch as she could.

Hisoka sighed. This was going to be harder then he though. Damn.

"I won't hate you." Hisoka said slowly and carefully, making sure Tsuzuki heard every word. "I know you. I know you didn't mean to hurt them, just by the way you're freaking out right now. And even if at the time you did, it was nothing more then anger that was guiding you, I bet, or possibly self-defense. Now are you going to tell me or am I going to tie you down and force feed you the truth serum Watari made a few weeks ago?" Hisoka raised an eyebrow at Tsuzuki, who he could tell was on the verge of another panic attack.

She shook her head. "N-no. I-I won't. You'll hate me and I can't take that." She whispered as she threw the comforter off and stood up, shaking her head still and her hands resting at her temples.

"Tsuzuki-"

"Don't call me that!" She screamed, covering her head with her arms. "I wasn't supposed to be a Tsuzuki! I wasn't supposed to have their name! I don't deserve to have their name!"

Hisoka was confused again, but he stayed calm. "Asato. You need to calm down." Her emotions were mixing, as if there were two people there instead of one. He thrust his shields up, leaving a small hole in them so he would still be able to feel what she felt on a smaller scale. "Asato, please. Sit down and calm down." Hisoka said softly, pleading with her gently.

"D-don't." She whispered. "J-just... Stop trying. Everyone has tried and nothing has helped. Just... I'm not worth it. I'm not." She teleported away just as Hisoka made a grab at her, him missing by a split second. He swore loudly and slammed his hands down onto the table, falling to his knees and putting his head into his hands. Every single negative emotion was radiating in the apartment, and Hisoka wanted nothing more then to burn the damn place to the ground in that moment. He stood up and walked out, slamming the door shut behind him.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N- Sorry it took me so long to get this up, I've been so busy and I am SO sorry! Hope you like my next chapters I'm posting!

Chapter 3- "Here you go, Tsuzuki!" Watari said brightly, handing her a small glass filled with blue potion. "This should have you back to normal in no time!"

Tsuzuki gave him a bright smile, relief evident in her features. "Thanks, Watari! I'm glad I only have to be a girl for a day, and half of it I was asleep anyway so no harm done! Thanks so much!" She quickly downed the potion, glad she had remembered to wear larger clothes so when she changed back they would fit. And she winced as the pain came again, wrapping her arms around her gut before she blacked out briefly, falling to her knees once again. Watari caught her just barely as her head lolled back before he sat her down carefully and grabbed a notebook, taking notes as she changed back into a man.

Tsuzuki groaned as he woke up, blinking blearily.

"It's all good, Tsuzuki! You're back to being a dude! Now it's my turn!" Watari cackled, turning and running off. Tsuzuki blinked again before looking at his hands and sighing in relief when he saw they were back to normal. His hair had shrunk back to what it had been before, which confused Tsuzuki. A side-effect, he assumed. Who knew what Watari put in his potions? They could cause anything to happen, he mused.

He didn't know why he had been so careless when Hisoka had appeared on his doorstep, but he would find out a way to stop him from worrying. He had already been having a bad day when he woke up, Hisoka didn't need to be troubled with his problems when he had just been having a bad day. He was fine. Honest!

He sighed, running a hand through his hair before plastering on a smile and bouncing over to Tatsumi's office.

"Tatsumi!" He cried loudly as he opened the door dramatically. "Watari's going to be using his potion he just made since he changed me back. Just thought I'd let you know we may be dealing with a female Watari for awhile."

"You mean it actually worked? With no side-effects whatsoever?" Tatsumi asked in slight disbelief from over his glasses.

"None that we can see so far, and that's good enough for Watari." Tsuzuki told him happily.

Tatsumi blinked in surprise. "Well then. Putting that fact aside for a moment, are you okay, Tsuzuki? You were quite..." He looked for the correct word. "Freaked out, yesterday. And when did you learn French?"

Tsuzuki grinned sheepishly. "I'm sorry. I was just really surprised and seeing myself look like my sister was a really big shock. And I've always known French. I lived in France for a chunk of my life, and if I'm not mistaken in France it's pretty helpful if you know French." Tsuzuki grinned at him.

"Ah. I didn't know that." Tatsumi said in slight surprise.

"Few people do." Tsuzuki shrugged. "Is there still paperwork to do?" He asked, looking like he was dreading the answer.

"Yes."

"Oh, look at the time-!"

"Here's yours." Tatsumi said with a smirk, handing him a large stack of files. Tsuzuki whimpered as he looked at them with a pout.

"You're evil." Tsuzuki cried out, pointing at Tatsumi accusingly. "Evil with a capital E!"

Tatsumi waved off Tsuzuki's cries as the shinigami left his office. "Yeah yeah yeah. I've heard it all before, Tsuzuki."

Tsuzuki pouted as he sat down at his desk, spreading the folders out over his desk as he scribbled in answers.

Tatsumi picked up the phone as it rang and jumped as Hisoka's voice came over in a deathly calm but obviously irritated tone.

"Where is Tsuzuki?" He asked.

"In his office. Kurosaki, what are-?"

"You have got to be kidding me. He is at work?" Hisoka growled over the line. "I'm going to kill him! I am going to brutally murder him after sending him to a fucking therapist!"

"Kurosaki, what are you going on about?" Tatsumi asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You, Tatsumi, are going to make sure Tsuzuki doesn't leave or teleport out when I get there. Then you are going to make sure no one comes into our office while I am dealing with him. Got it?" Hisoka didn't wait for a reply as he hung up.

Tatsumi blinked before only being mildly surprised when Hisoka teleported into his office. He had a determined look in his eyes as he told Tatsumi, "Go get Tsuzuki and don't say I'm here. We're taking the day off for emotional sickness."

"Kuroaki-"

"Now, Tatsumi. I'm fixing what all of you idiots made worse." Hisoka growled, shoving him out of the office roughly.

Tatsumi, still confused but deciding he wasn't willing to face the younger shinigami's wrath, went to get Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki obligingly went along and inside, not noticing Hisoka was there until Tatsumi shut the door and locked it.

Tsuzuki blinked in surprise. "Well that was a nasty trick." he murmured with a slight pout on his face. He froze as he saw Hisoka. "Um..." Tsuzuki had a hand over his mouth as he tapped his foot slightly, not sure what he should say.

"You really think that after everything today I'm going to let you go without finding out why you broke down like that?" Hisoka asked him rhetorically, crossing his arms as he leaned against the wall. "Take your time. I have all day."

"I-" Tsuzuki jumped when he felt his mouth shut without his consent. He had just been about to laugh it off, give him a big smile, and say that he was fine. Now why wasn't his mouth working?

Watari, meanwhile, was frowning as he look at his notes, having waited to try the potion. He was now glad about that. If what he read over was correct, it meant he had made the potion not only change your sex, but also made it impossible for you to lie. Whoops. He hoped Tsuzuki wasn't hiding anything big.

Tsuzuki stood there, still trying to make his mouth move to say the words he had always said in these situations.

"Come on, Asato," Hisoka encouraged softly. "Don't you want to get this off your chest?"

'Of course I do,' Tsuzuki thought silently. 'I really do.'

'But you don't deserve it.' The cold voice in the back of his mind told him slyly.

'I know.' He thought with a slight nod, not noticing he had done it for real. 'I don't deserve it. I know. Which is why I won't say anything.'

'You're fine.'

'Yeah. I am.' Tsuzuki thought with a decisive nod.

"I do."

Tsuzuki's eyes widened as he slapped a hand over his mouth and Hisoka carefully keeps his face neutral as he caught Tsuzuki's line of thought.

'Ididn'twanttosaythatw hydidIsaythatwh at'swrongwithmymou thwhydidIsaytha tIdidn'twanttosaythat...' Tsuzuki thought in a panic. 'Sayyou'refineyou'refineTsuzukiyouareTsuzukiyou'refinedon'tthinkotherwiseyou'refine..'

"I really want to tell you." Tsuzuki blurted out, before smacking his face and biting down on his thumb. "And I really want to shut up at the same time and why can't I say what I want to say damn it?" He finally shouted, a slight hysterical note to it.

"It seems Watari's potion had a side effect we didn't count on." Hisoka said after picking up a stray though from Watari who had walked by the office to tell Tatsumi to tell Tsuzuki about said side effect. "You can't lie."

Tsuzuki opens his mouth to say, "I wasn't going to lie!" but what comes out is, "I do that way too often." And he bites his thumb again, not wanting to say that either as he resists the urge to rip out his hair.

"Asato, can you please trust me?" Hisoka asked, almost pleading as he walked over to Tsuzuki, who bit his thumb even harder.

"I do." Tsuzuki said honestly. "I always have."

"Then why can't you tell me this? You know I won't tell anyone. And I can help. I want to help you see how great of a person you are. Can't you give me that much, Asato?"

"It's been a long time since anyone called me by my first name." Tsuzuki said abruptly, looking up from his hands to look at Hisoka. "First names were what good people got to be called by, Luka and Father and Mother always said. And it stuck.

"What people don't know, is that Luka and I were only half-brother and sister. We had the same father, but not mother. Luka's mother died while giving her birth, while my mother lived. My father hated me for that fact."  
"He hated that the woman he impregnated lived?" Hisoka asked in slight shock.  
"Of course. When the woman he impregnated was his sister, he wanted nothing more then both of us to die. I was his largest mistake."

A/N- Just to clear some things up: Yes, in my story Tsuzuki is the result of a scandalous affair between two siblings. Use that to your imagination all you like, I'm not going to really go into detail about WHY his parents were who they were. It could have been an ongoing thing between them, or maybe just a drunken night. *shrugs* You decide, like I said, I'm not going into detail because Tsuzuki doesn't know. Hope you like the slight twist, I thought it would be a good reason for Tsuzuki's parents to hate him. (he was a representation of their sin, and since they're both crappy people in this fic, they're going to blame Tsuzuki in any way they could and hate him).


	4. Chapter 4

A/N- Last chapter! Oh. My. Gosh. I actually finished a story that wasn't a one-shot... AMAZING! *Dances around gleefully* Hope you liked the story as much as I liked writing it!

Chapter 4- "He didn't want people knowing about what he did. Besides, to him it was my fault." Tsuzuki sighed slightly as he continued with his explanation, not letting Hisoka get a word in after he told him about his parentage.

"Your fault?" Hisoka asked incredulously. "You weren't even born when he was, er, with his sister!" He stumbled slightly as he tried to think of an not-rude word to use.

"But to him I was a demon, not really their son. And I somehow made it so he sinned, making it so I was conceived and I could cause them pain." Tsuzuki muttered again. "I don't understand it either, but Father was always right so it has to be true." He shrugged. "Mother watched us, always. Father watched Luka, making sure that no one knew I was related to them. Mother didn't really talk much, but it was just the way she looked at me that made me be sad with her. They all looked exactly the same," He forced a chuckle out. "Luka took after Father, while Father and Mother were often mistaken for twins. I was the odd one out, always.

"And Luka was usually nice to me. But I think she had multiple personalities, or something. Because one minute she would be nice and be teaching me how to cook, and the next she would be mad at me. I usually deserved it, but even so..." He laughed again, eyes watery. "But no matter how she acted, no matter which 'Luka' she was... If she was happy with me, or angry...She couldn't look at my eyes without flinching. None of them could. And I was hidden away almost always. It was always so cold in the manor. And when I was ten, we moved to Japan. We had been an upstanding French family. Well, they had. No one knew about me.

"I liked Japan. There I was allowed out. You'd be surprised to know that I spent most of my time at the library. It was the one place I wasn't thrown out of. The librarian was so nice. We lived in a small village, it was painfully behind the times, almost like the feudal era. It was odd, and while I liked it, I wanted nothing more then to move back to France and be locked up again."

"Why?"

"When you're locked up, you can't be hurt by anyone other then your captors. I was used to being in pain from Father and I was used to being hurt emotionally by Luka and Mother, but in Japan, everyone disliked my eyes. I was the demon of the village, and my family got sympathy from everyone for putting up with a messed-up freak of a child." Tsuzuki laughed slightly. "Yet through all of the name-callings and beatings I still wanted to be one of them. I wanted to please Luka and my parents. I wanted to do everything I could to make them proud of me." He shook his head as he sat down on the floor, back against the wall. "But it was never enough. And the hurt and pain kept coming and I was so tired, Hisoka." His voice was gaining a hysterical note to it. "I just wanted it to stop. There's so much pain someone can cause when you repeatedly heal. I had the shinigami healing when I was alive, I think it was even faster. But no one knew about it except for me. The larger injuries left faint scars that my father was content enough to accept. He never saw anything out of the ordinary.

"When I was sixteen, everything seemed to just add up. They were chasing me again, the other teenagers, and throwing rocks. And I did something so incredibly stupid to make them stop. Someone had spilled gas on the ground, and I lit a match. They had brought guns and were about to shoot me. I panicked, I didn't mean to I swear, Hisoka, I swear! I didn't know what to do, I was confused, and the next thing I knew they were all going up in flames and I was sprinting away." Tsuzuki was crying again. "T-the next ten years I found another place and I did small jobs for others to live. And when I was finally settled I went back to see what had happened. I had just turned twenty-six when I went back."

Tsuzuki had his head in his hands as he choked out the rest of the story. Hisoka had sat down next to him and was listening patiently.

"They weren't happy. Luka screamed that I shouldn't be there, that I should go back to wherever I was. And I tried to talk to her, I tried to tell her that I was sorry. But she wouldn't listen. And then Father appeared and suddenly he was throwing knives and bullets at me. I panicked again, and something... Magic, or shadows, or something built a shield around me and it rebounded onto all three of them. I don't know what it was. But it went out of control. And it was me... I was doing it... And I was screaming for it to stop, but it wouldn't. And before I knew it, everyone was dead. There were so many bodies, and screams, and blood... And I caused it... I caused all of it..."

Tsuzuki was crying silently by that part.

"And everything just broke. And when the... Magic, whatever it was... Finally stopped... I was in a hospital, miles away... Muraki's grandfather was there..."

"What did he do to you?"

"What didn't he do?" Tsuzuki choked out, a sob escaping his throat. "He tested my healing. There was fire, poisons, knives... And every time I saw him do it, I saw Father with his belt..."

"Belt?"

"It's how I was punished." Tsuzuki said distractedly. "Muraki's grandfather was just as bad as the Muraki we know now. Eight years, I was stuck in a frozen state. I couldn't move, eat, sleep, or drink anything. I just... Sat there while Muraki's grandfather experimented on me... Eight years of doing nothing, of feeling nothing but pain... And repeatedly wanting to end it, to want it to finally stop..." Tsuzuki's breathing had hitched as he covered his hand with his mouth, tears falling from his eyes.

Hisoka had him in a hug before he knew what he was doing, gently soothing him and whispering reassurances to him.

"It's not your fault... It's okay... They won't hurt you again, I promise..." Hisoka murmured softly to the broken man in his arms.

"I-I didn't want to kill them!" Tsuzuki sobbed, burying his face into Hisoka's shoulder and clutching at Hisoka's arm. "I just wanted to be accepted!"

"I know, Asato... It's not your fault, honey, it's not your fault..." Hisoka murmured, unconsciously adding the endearment.

For a long time they sat there, Tsuzuki sobbing and crying over Hisoka, while Hisoka tried to calm him down, gently rubbing his back. When Tsuzuki was calmed down, only hiccuping and sniffling, Hisoka raised his chin so their eyes met.

"None of what happened is your fault, Asato," Hisoka told him firmly. "It isn't your fault you acted in self-defense, and it's not your fault that you had some ability that protected you. It's not your fault that your parents were idiotic people who hated you, and it's not your fault you have unique eyes that ostracized yourself from everyone. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault."

"Then why did they have to break me? Why am I such a disaster now?" Tsuzuki cried, tears still falling from his eyes as he asked the question.

"You may be a disaster," Hisoka told him softly, eyes softening towards him as he held Tsuzuki's chin in place so they were still looking each other in the eyes. "But you're my beautiful disaster." He murmured, leaning forward and gently giving him a kiss on the lips.

Tsuzuki, when he pulled away, shyly ducked his head and hugged Hisoka, nuzzling his neck. Hisoka couldn't help a slight laugh that escaped him at the soft sensation.

"Je t'aime, chéri." Tsuzuki whispered to Hisoka. "Merci... Merci beaucoup..."

"Ai shiteru, koibito." Hisoka replied with a soft smile. "I love you, my beautiful disaster..."


End file.
